“ I had to learn how to surrender my independence at the right time with the right person.”

When I was engaged to my husband, I would eagerly ask any and every person I met for marriage advice. Some people I knew very well. Others I hadn’t known longer than a few weeks. I became a sponge, soaking up all the advice I could get.

I will never forget the time I was headed to canvass the neighborhood with two male co- workers. They were both married, and through previous conversations, I learned that one of them was a minister who specialized in marital counseling. Before we left the office, I told them that I was engaged and that I was on the market for marriage advice. We stepped on the elevator to head down to the first floor before we started our neighborhood route. I jumped in front of both of the men and pushed the elevator button for the first floor only to look back and realize that both of my co-workers were staring at me. One of them responded, “Humph, Independent woman, I see.” Then, he said earnestly, “In marriage, it’s best that you be the woman, and let him be the man.” I wasn’t sure why pressing that button implied to him that I was an independent woman. But I’ll tell you one thing. He was right!

Over the years, I had learned to depend on myself. I had moved across the state for college—six hours from home, to be exact. I had lived on my own in other cities. I paid my own bills and took out my own trash. I was financially fit, and I answered to no one. Need a man?

For what? But did I want one? Why yes, I did! But if I wanted a relationship to work, I knew I needed to make a few adjustments. I had to learn how to surrender my independence at the right time with the right person. Ms. Independent, she can do it all by herself and do it well. But in marriage, I don’t have to do it all by myself. There are shared responsibilities, different perspectives to consider, and a vision that is no longer just about me. The vision is for two now.

You say you want to get married, but are you willing to make the changes necessary to grow with another person? In marriage, there is no more “I’m doing me.” Instead, you will be signing up to “do us.” Marriage is a merger. It means making room for shared goals and responsibilities. It means taking time to understand a different perspective than yours. Some people feel like they’ll be able to keep their old lives when they say “I do,” but if you try to keep your old life, you aren’t making room for the new life that awaits you.

My other male co- worker eventually chimed in, saying, “Marriage is something that you will have to fight for, but if you don’t know that in the beginning, you will get knocked down by the smallest obstacles.” I understood what he meant. We have all been a part of verbal disagreements with friends. Some friendships we saved, some we left by the wayside. The friendships we saved were to us worth fighting for. We chose the high road, we were solution-oriented, and we made amends so that we could continue on with those friendships. Marriage is the same way. A good union is worth fighting for, so you pick and choose your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff.

What an elevator ride, right?! I mean, all this before we even hit the first floor. There were only three floors!

On another occasion, I sat down with my friend Samantha to reflect on marriage after her first year being married, and she said to me, “Marriage is a mirror.” I found this to be true also. In my marriage, I have been forced to face myself. It has given me a built-in accountability partner. Makeup is off, guards are down, and intentions are revealed. Honest conversations are necessary in a healthy relationship, and the sooner you address your issues the better.

When my sister got engaged, everyone gave her marital advice too. During her bridal shower, my cousin said to her, “Make sure when one person takes on a new interest, you take on that interest too. You want to make sure you are growing together and not apart.” Lord knows I had been a bridesmaid more times than I wanted to count, but that was one of the best pieces of advice I ever heard at a bridal shower. Making it last means growing together. That is the goal!

What are some interests of my husband’s that I’ve taken on? I can think of two off the top of my head: non-work-related conferences and sneakers.

It never really occurred to me to seek out non-work-related conferences for my own empowerment until my husband convinced me to attend Phenomenal Life Cruise 2018 with motivational speaker Eric Thomas and his team. The conference covered everything from learning how to master mindsets to finances, relationships and health. I was blown away with the wealth of knowledge I took away from it. Now, my husband and I make it a goal to attend a different out-of-town conference every year so that we can keep our mindsets fresh and our momentum going. They also help us to stay rooted in building opportunities outside of the workplace and keep us from getting stuck in our nine-to-five routines.

On top of attending conferences, my husband is also a collector of tennis shoes. A sneaker head is what society would call him . . . but these days you’ll find his queen standing right alongside him with her own personal female version of Js. I went from being dragged to sneaker festivals to setting the time and date on the calendar so we won’t be late. In the evenings, we like to watch a sneaker closet series on YouTube called “Complex Closets,” where stars show off their sneaker collections in their own personal home closets.

People often say marriage is work. In my humble opinion, it truly is. But when I think about the work I’ve had to do in my marriage, self-work comes to mind first. Self -work is the hardest work I’ve ever had to do in my life.

There are things about you as an individual that you will have to adjust in order to merge your life with another. For the first time in my life, I have had to talk aloud about my feelings. Yuck! I am challenged to step out of my introverted comfort zone. As it turns out, my partner is not a mind reader. If I don’t tell him how I feel, he’ll never know, and he’ll make assumptions based upon my actions. And trust me, that’s the last thing anyone should want. It’s the perfect recipe for being misunderstood.

Now, marriage advice is kind of like pregnancy advice. People aren’t really honest about it until you are going through it. When you finally marry, all of a sudden, everyone will want to have this “Come to Jesus” talk with you—well, anyone who is married and cares about you anyways. When you are going through it, you are in a better position to actually receive the advice that is given to you. You will be more receptive to it because it’s no longer a theory or a scenario, and you are applying the advice to your real life.

I’ve only been married for 2 years. But the lessons that I’ve learned thus far are tried and true:

1. Make sure you’re with the right person. Being with the right person is key. If you are not with the right person, no level of advice is going to work. You will know when you are with the right person. For me, my husband and I share the same values and ethics. We are equally yoked in our faith and spiritually connected. We can be ourselves around each other, and we work well as a team. We support one another, and we make each other better people.

2. Communication is the only way to work through any issues that arise. It takes time to become one, which means it may take time for you to understand each other’s perspective. After you have clearly communicated your feelings, then comes action, because you will be held accountable for the information you’ve received from your spouse.

3. Commitment goes beyond just avoiding marital infidelity. Will Smith mentioned on the Oprah Show once, “In marriage, there is a lot more that you have to be committed to than just taking out the trash.” Now that I am a married woman, I fully understand that statement. Commitment means that I am committed to choosing my husband every day. I am committed to supporting my partner, going the extra mile to make him happy, and showing up for him when he needs me the most. Jobs we can quit, friendships may come and go, but this marriage thing . . . I am committed to working it out.

4. Forgiveness allows you to keep moving forward. Let me be clear, when your spouse has done something that you can forgive, you truly have to let it go and move forward. Don’t hold grudges and harbor bad feelings only to bring them up later in a new argument. Let them go!

5. Remember who you married. Don’t expect marriage to change who a person is. I married an extrovert who has a heart for the community and plans to change the world. He is a man after God’s own heart and he is always family first. Even though his schedule gets hectic and he works long hours, my son and I are at the top of his list. We are prioritized first, amid his schedule. His community efforts have been and will always be a very fulfilling part of his life. As his wife, I support whatever fulfills him, and he does the same for me. I am not trying to change who he is. I embrace who he is because, at the end of the day, his qualities make him the man I chose as my life partner.

If you are married, or you want to pursue marriage, I encourage you to have the mindset that it won’t be easy but that it will be worth it. Sometimes people want to focus on what they are giving up to be married, but what people don’t talk about often is what they are gaining. My marriage has allowed me to be in a healthy union with a partner that supports my dreams and challenges me to be the best version of myself. He reads every blog before it hits the press and he proudly shares it with the world on all of his social media channels. The creative arts is my happy place and he has taken on a new appreciation for the performing arts by attending Broadway shows and other live musical performances. This love reminds me every day of the unconditional love God has for me. We believe that God has joined us together to build a legacy that we couldn’t build as individuals